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Pouring into Yourself

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I have to make a confession, I’ve been writing and rewriting this very post since around mid-November. The thing is, I pride myself on authenticity and being true to who I am in every way possible, but every time I’ve tried to write here, I kept doing this thing where I was sugarcoating and downplaying the feelings I was experiencing in a terrible attempt to avoid highlighting that sometimes things are just very wrong and despite yourself, you can’t see the silver lining. So I guess what I’m trying to do here is own up to the fact that I had a pretty terrible month, but that doesn’t mean I’m not ready to hit the world running and give it every bit of fight I have in my bones.

I learn a lot of lessons through the little things in life, but the most important one that that seems to have become a bit of a recurring theme is that with every hardship really does come ease, but it does not happen without putting in the work. It is very easy to become passive citizens of life and convince yourself (if you’re spiritual), that there’s a higher power out there calling the shots and technically, things that are supposed to happen will do whether you try or not. But I really don’t think that’s true. I feel like reducing the power of a being so far beyond our understanding to this very simplistic nature is frankly, a bit of a joke. In my (very humble) opinion, we must have been created as a complex enough species to take decisions which can alter our paths. Now, I’m not denying that our fate has been fixed – that, I do believe in – but what I’m saying here is that our destination may be fixed, but it is about what we choose on the journey to it that defines who we are as people.

For me, it’s been a long journey getting to this point where I can accept that while I trust in the plan that God has for me, I know that I absolutely cannot let myself just passively go through life – bit of a waste if you ask me. And so I have been trying every single day to become a better version of myself who is not only the sum of all the good parts of those whom I love and love me, but also one who is constantly striving to do things in the way of good and hope that these will translate to my life in the long run. Laid out like that, it sounds a bit transactional, but listen to me, making a conscious effort to live a life that is filled with good will only make you want to do more of it – there’s this slight high from giving back that makes you never want to stop.

As per usual, I have managed to go off on a tangent that was never intended, but it’s fine, I meant every single word. I am working to build a better me, and I am eternally grateful for the handful of people in my life who support my efforts relentlessly. For the people who stand by me even when I need to be very silent and very still. For the people who listen and let me bounce my energies off them. For the people who love me and make me feel like I carry an entire galaxy within. For all my people, I am indebted.

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Ayesha Khanom

Sometimes a teacher, sometimes a student, but mostly caffeinated. This blog is a terrible attempt at writing out my thoughts - think of it as the 'comments, complaints, and suggestions' section of my brain. Nevertheless, I hope that some of these words will find a place in your heart and will stay with you even when I do not. If you'd like to get in touch, send me a message on Instagram or leave a comment on one of these posts and I'll get back to you at the best possible time.

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