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Incoherence: A Study

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I’ll admit, it’s a bit of a misleading title. But what’s life without a bit of click bait? I kid – sorta. This is a study of incoherence, but more my own. I have been struggling to hold a train of thought for longer than necessary as of late, and as for writing, it’s been even worse. I am struggling to pen down my thoughts without letting emotion seep through them entirely. So, I’m doing something a little different tonight. Instead of a lesson I’ve learnt that I wish to share with you all, I have made a collection of the notes in my phone from the past seven days. From the uplifting right down to the banal, I expect there to be a wide variety of things, so strap yourselves in, and let’s have a read of the top 10:

i. I try to unfurl my fingers, but there is so much to hold on to.

ii. And I guess at the end of the day it all boils down to the fact that humans are constantly adjusting themselves to be in the servitude of others. They are trying and retrying to be what others need. And so it comes as no surprise that each person in our life knows a different version of us because at the end of the day, it appeals to what they know and need most.

iii. The world exists outside of your comfort zone but you must step out of the confines of your own mind to be able to see this.

iv. Do you think God is tired of me telling Him about you yet?

v. Even in this void you have to learn that growth happens. You have to learn what works for you and what doesn’t. You have to learn whether or not self-care is running until your lungs burn and your knees go slack, or whether it is sitting in bed scooping ice cream out of the tub while you sob, or heck, maybe it’s a combination of both (or neither). But, it is you who has to learn.

vi. Test the waters, but don’t let the temperature stop you from diving in anyway; let this be a daily reminder for all the things in life that scare the living daylights out of you.

vii. Making the choice to love does not depend on the conditionality of being loved back. This goes for all degrees of love in its many shapes and forms.

viii. I know everything happens in Your divine timing, but at what point do people think it’s okay to stop tying their camel and simply trust in You? Surely both should go hand in hand? Surely one should never stop tying their camel and should trust in You with each and every step?

ix. I want to be both sad and angry and it is frustrating that I can be neither.

x. Perhaps one of the most amusing things about life is that everyone wants you to be yourself until you actually are. And then all of a sudden it’s a bit much and “maybe not quite that version of yourself”. Funny world we live in, isn’t it?

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Ayesha Khanom

Sometimes a teacher, sometimes a student, but mostly caffeinated. This blog is a terrible attempt at writing out my thoughts - think of it as the 'comments, complaints, and suggestions' section of my brain. Nevertheless, I hope that some of these words will find a place in your heart and will stay with you even when I do not. If you'd like to get in touch, send me a message on Instagram or leave a comment on one of these posts and I'll get back to you at the best possible time.

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