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Growing in the Void

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Do you ever have those days where you just need everything to stop? You just need all the deadlines, all the people, and all the timelines to blur into the background. You just need to exist in a void of nothingness. Yeah. I had one of those recently. And it was insane.

Typically, I’m the kind of person who likes to ride things and feelings out until they’re either a) completely out of my system, or b) at a healthy enough level to exist alongside the rest of my life. But, sometimes that just can’t happen. Sometimes you just need to shut down entirely and place yourself in a bubble that cannot be touched by anything or anyone else. It is a process that is (and needs to be) wholly private and for yourself.

When I look back on the day, I realise how irrational it all was, but the truth is, rationality is far from a concern when you want to become invisible enough to blend into the background. I remember waking up at about 7am in a fairly good mood, but as the downward spiral began, I realised that this day would not go on as it had began. But, I had to do at least one productive thing if I wanted to reduce the guilt I’d feel of having a day of nothingness. So, as per my daily routine, I headed into the gym. But, this is a workout I hope to never have again in my life. It was as though I was there physically, but miles away in my head (yes, this did mean an injury because overworking, and no, I will not be subjecting myself to this again). A changing room sobbing session and freezing walk home later, I decided the best thing to do for myself is excuse myself from the niceties of society and hole up in my bedroom to binge on Grey’s and take nap after nap. As per usual, my appetite decided to disappear along with my desire to exist.

And if I’m honest, I wouldn’t do it again out of choice. I needed it at the time, but not something I would willingly do again because frankly, it is soul crushing in a way that even the nothingness feels riddled with guilt from the absence of feeling or productivity. You end up feeling a little worse than you started off, but it’s okay. Even in this void, you have to learn that growth happens. You will learn what works for you and what doesn’t. You will learn whether or not self-care is running until your lungs burn and your knees go slack, or whether it’s sitting in bed scooping ice cream out of the tub while you sob, or heck, maybe it’s a combination of both (or neither).

You will learn about yourself, even in the worst of times. More importantly, you must be willing to see even the lows of life as a learning curve. Not every day will be a good day, and not every moment of self-care will look the same as the last. You just have to be willing to see that even when you feel blindsided by the things life throws at us.

We must be willing to remind ourselves that tomorrow is a new day, and with each rising sun is the opportunity to start again.

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Ayesha Khanom

Sometimes a teacher, sometimes a student, but mostly caffeinated. This blog is a terrible attempt at writing out my thoughts - think of it as the 'comments, complaints, and suggestions' section of my brain. Nevertheless, I hope that some of these words will find a place in your heart and will stay with you even when I do not. If you'd like to get in touch, send me a message on Instagram or leave a comment on one of these posts and I'll get back to you at the best possible time.

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