Messy May

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What a month. I know I say that every month, but seriously, what a month. I have never had so many things go so colossally wrong all at once but in same breath, go so right either. The entire month of May has been, much like myself, a paradox.

May didn’t begin well for me. In fact, for about 90% of this month, I existed in survival mode. It’s interesting though, because I always tell myself that when I get in that headspace I will reach out to the people who I know can ground me and/or talk me through my thoughts, and yet, when the time comes, I find myself unable to be comforted by others or even willing to accept their presence by my side as I work through things myself. For me, survival mode often means stripping back on all the emotional luxuries and bringing it back to the bare bones. It means doing only what I need to do in order to physically sustain my body and boxing everything else away until I have the capacity to feel it.

And this works for me. This process is something that works for me. Over the years I have tried and tested several strategies because that’s the kind of person I am – I work through things with an unnecessary amount of logic until I reach a conclusion that fits well with me. And so I find it extremely difficult when I’m working through something to have the people I love so dearly try to really push me out of my feelings or thoughts. But, I get it, I get that for a lot of people, the way they are present for others and demonstrate their love language is by trying to fix them. It’s why, despite the discomfort it causes me from time to time, I can’t bring myself to be completely annoyed by it.

Because I have built who I am today around meeting people where they are. For so long I allowed myself to feel disappointed when people were unable to fulfil my needs or relationships were emotionally unsatisfying. But as I grew through the things I was going through, I learnt that not everyone is coming into your life having been on the same journey and so it is naive to think that they will be able to meet you where you are. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you, it just means that they are not equipped, nor do they have the skillset, to give you what you need – and that’s ok. I am content with the people existing in my life exactly as they are instead of living a version of life that assumes those who can’t be what we need aren’t for us.

We can love people without them needing to bring anything into our lives.

We can love people simply for the sake of loving them.

I know it can be difficult, especially given the culture we all live in where it’s all about making gains in every possible way, but it is ok to not have to meet everyone’s needs nor have them meet yours.

Use this as an opportunity to be your biggest advocate for yourself. Learn what your needs are. Understand what triggers you. And meet yourself where you are. There is no one out there who will understand you better than you.

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Ayesha Khanom

Sometimes a teacher, sometimes a student, but mostly caffeinated. This blog is a terrible attempt at writing out my thoughts - think of it as the 'comments, complaints, and suggestions' section of my brain. Nevertheless, I hope that some of these words will find a place in your heart and will stay with you even when I do not. If you'd like to get in touch, send me a message on Instagram or leave a comment on one of these posts and I'll get back to you at the best possible time.

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