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Optimistic October

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Ah, October. The month of all good things in life – including my comeback apparently.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? The last time I was here was back in May and wow, how life has changed since! From the seasons of the year to the states of our hearts, so much has come and gone. And yet, here you are. And here I am. We’ve made it to the last leg of the year – who’d have thought eh! The temptation to sit here and update you all on each and every single thing that has happened over the last couple of months is very real, but we’d be here for days if I begun. So, I’ll try and keep it short (but sweet, obviously) and instead tell you all about the month that has just passed.

By ways of activities, October has been BUZZING. So many of the things that I’d booked pre-COVID begun to open back up again and as chance would have it, I was able to reschedule them all for my birthday month as I turned 26. Now, for those of you who will have known me from my teenage years of blogging (or even on a personal level), you’ll know that my birthday month has always been a very sombre affair. I had little to celebrate in life and felt that birthday month was yet another time of the year where I was reminded of all the ways I am indebted to people for my life. But this year, I think for the first time ever, I didn’t have to pretend to enjoy being alive. I genuinely had the time of my life. As per tradition, I wrote to the people who made my last year worthy of living and unlike usual years, this year I chose to hold each and every single letter to myself. Usually I am quite forthcoming with them and allow the people they are addressed to to read them, but this year I wanted those moments for myself. This year, I wanted to use the space in those letters to say everything I hold back without fear of judgement. This year, more than ever, I have made myself more available to my loved ones so that they never have to doubt what I feel for them, but there are times that I’ve had something to say that isn’t productive to our relationship and is from a selfish place and so these letters allowed me to put those things down without it feeling sour. In many ways, the letters act as my clean slate; they’re how I move forward and renew my intentions and ensure that the relationships I am in are the physical embodiment of His love and Mercy.

This birthday marked a lot of things, but one of the most significant things that happened for me was the sudden desire to open myself up to opportunities I didn’t otherwise feel deserving of. And the truth is, this has only come about because of the aforementioned relationships and people in my life. By simply existing as themselves and loving with every fibre in their being, they teach me that I am enough for them exactly as I am. I am not too much or too little of anything for them and in the same way that I do not need a reason to love them, they do not need one to love me. And I know you’re reading this and potentially rolling your eyes because I would too, but I am being as frank as I possibly can with you and putting my hands up and saying having good people around me has made all the difference in the world. Choosing healing in my attachment styles so I wasn’t walking away from people who wanted to be present in ways I didn’t quite understand before has genuinely played a massive part in who I have become today. I find myself secure enough with them to know who I am AND who they are rather than who I am with them – does that even make sense? Think pillars which hold up a bridge, they have to be far apart enough for things to flow between them but strong enough together to hold the bridge up – that’s the best analogy I can think of right now to describe these incredible people in such few words.

I think I need to be clear though, I am in no way implying that the people in my life are perfect or that they love me unconditionally. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. They are flawed, they make mistakes, and sometimes they make the wrong choices. But at the end of it all, they choose to let go of the unconditional and agree to show up the best that they can. Just like me, and you, and everybody else who exists on this earth, we are more than just the product of our circumstances and/or relationships. We are a reflection of our choices and the people we choose to love and seek love from. It took me a long time to reach this point in my life where I am able to know what love I deserve and be able to give as much as I receive, but if this gentle month has taught me anything, it is that love exists in the banal and the every day. You do not need to go looking for it anywhere except within your own self.

See now, I came into this post with the intention of catching you all up with the fun things I’d been up to over the last month but, boy oh boy, did I digress hard. In many ways, this ended up being an ode to my lovers – both past and present – and I guess all I can say is, I hope it was a worthy read. I hope you could imagine my terribly mishmash of an accent as you read through this post, and hopefully I didn’t bore you too much and you’ll be right back here with me as I slowly get back into the swing of things over at this blog.

May all your days be filled with love beyond measure, and may you never have to seek further than within your own self to find the love that you were always deserving of.

To better days and beyond, my loves.

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Ayesha Khanom

Sometimes a teacher, sometimes a student, but mostly caffeinated. This blog is a terrible attempt at writing out my thoughts - think of it as the 'comments, complaints, and suggestions' section of my brain. Nevertheless, I hope that some of these words will find a place in your heart and will stay with you even when I do not. If you'd like to get in touch, send me a message on Instagram or leave a comment on one of these posts and I'll get back to you at the best possible time.

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