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Honesty is the Best Policy

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News of death always has a very sobering effect on the soul, even if it’s not of anyone who is of immediate importance to you. Tonight is no different. This ode is to the man who lived a life in the servitude of others. To the man whose death itself was an irony; death by the very thing he saved others from. You and I were never incredibly close, but I could see the parental care you extended to me throughout the years, and it is for this reason I take this moment to make the most of the life I have while I still can. Life is too short to not seize it in every way I can, and I’d like to begin by paying my respects to the ones I love:

To my person,

You are the love of my life. There are insufficient words in the English dictionary to describe the kind of love I have for you. To put it this way, when we were apart, I felt a physical pain in my bones, as though everything was suddenly so much heavier without you by my side. You are my friend. My sister. My person. You are who I prayed for my whole life and I only pray that I can do this blessing from God its due justice by treating you like the gift that you are. For the days I have ever hurt you, be it intentional or unintentional, I am sorry. I cannot promise that I’ll never hurt you again, but I can promise that I will try and keep you safe and happy with every fibre in my being.

To my sister,

Never have I loved someone as quickly as I have grown to love you. We have known each other just over a year now and yet, you understand me in ways that nobody else can, and even on the days you don’t, you choose to listen and try anyway in every way you can. You always show me so much love and I am so sorry that most of the time, I don’t know how to show you that I feel the same and so much more. You are truly one of the most incredible women I have ever met, and I am eternally thankful for the way God has chosen to place you in my life. For the days I am unreasonable and unapproachable, I apologise most deeply. You remind me that home doesn’t have to be a place, but can be two arms and a heartbeat waiting to hold you even when you don’t ask. I only pray that I can be good enough to keep you.

To my brother,

I am so sorry that it took us this long to get where we are today in our relationship, but now that we are here, know that I never want it to change. You are the only brother I have left and I only hope and pray that I am a good enough sister to keep you. I am sorry for the days that I am sad and mad and take it out on you for no reason at all, it’s not fair for me to do that. You are a great brother and I can already see that you are shaping up to be an incredible father. I cannot wait to watch the two of you raise my nephew in this loving and mindful home. If I can give you one humble piece of advice, it is this: beautiful things can come from messy beginnings, and the life that we had does not need to reflect that life that we will grow to have.

To the soul sister that once was,

For the memories that I have made with you, I am eternally grateful. I am completely aware that God only writes people into our lives for certain amounts of time, and it is for this reason I hold no animosity towards you. I am thankful for the moments we had, and I pray that all the days of your life are good. While I have only gentle thoughts of you, know that this is absolutely the end of the road for us.

Choosing to be accountable to only yourself and your Lord is liberating. May all of our lives be filled with an eternal softness, and may this be your gentle reminder that life is shorter than we know. Seize what bit of life that you can and live in such a way that even the earth speaks kindly of the way you stepped upon it.

Do not let the world harden you. There is more goodness than you know.

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Ayesha Khanom

Sometimes a teacher, sometimes a student, but mostly caffeinated. This blog is a terrible attempt at writing out my thoughts - think of it as the 'comments, complaints, and suggestions' section of my brain. Nevertheless, I hope that some of these words will find a place in your heart and will stay with you even when I do not. If you'd like to get in touch, send me a message on Instagram or leave a comment on one of these posts and I'll get back to you at the best possible time.

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