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Jittery January

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Ooh, it’s been a month, hasn’t it? We’ve all been perched at the edge of our seats with bated breath for every 5pm briefing (here in the UK anyway), wondering how the world as we’ve come to know it will change (yet again).

But despite the constant jitters (is it from the caffeine, the anxiety, or a case of cabin fever at this point??), it has been a good month for me. I was terrified of what another lockdown would look like for me since my circumstances since the first lockdown are entirely different and frankly, I even begged my line manager to let me be at work every day – unfortunately, a touch of COVID quickly put a dent in my grand plans, giving me no choice but to get comfortable in this WFH sitch. It forced me back into sitting down with myself without the routine and safety of work which allows me to switch my personal self off for at least 9 hours of the day. And I guess when I look back at it in hindsight, it was a good thing which came in perfect timing – yes, yes, I know, but I love a good cliche.

I entered 2021 carrying a lot of grief on my shoulders, but I stayed on brand as per usual and didn’t take the time to mourn any of the losses, nor did I allow myself to grieve. I simply gave my condolences, said a prayer, and was on my way again, living life as though it remained untouched. While I don’t regret this decision because it was what I needed at the time, I have found that the grief appears from time to time in the form of the half laughs, the scraping of a chair leg against the wood, the sudden heavy heart, the hitched breathing. Every so often, this is overwhelming, but it is in the ways I find myself responding to my grief that I realise I am growing and healing even on the days I think I’m not.

This month I have allowed myself to lean on the people I love without feeling as though I am burdening them (ok, fine, I still do, but I am trying not to). I have forgiven myself for the days I overworked my body and hurt my heart. I have applauded the moments I did things which took courage and went against the grain. But most importantly, I have allowed my soul to sing in all the ways it needed to all these years. I have allowed myself to breathe, and on some days, that is my biggest achievement, and that’s okay. I’m okay.

I know it’s been a hard month and looking for these small joys can feel daunting, but I am taking a page out of Muted Healing‘s book this coming month and celebrating every single #LittleLockdownJoy that comes by. I hope you too will be inspired to do the same, my love.

I leave you now with some loving words from my best friend:

Acceptance is sometimes the peace of heart we need.

A, 02/02/21

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Ayesha Khanom

Sometimes a teacher, sometimes a student, but mostly caffeinated. This blog is a terrible attempt at writing out my thoughts - think of it as the 'comments, complaints, and suggestions' section of my brain. Nevertheless, I hope that some of these words will find a place in your heart and will stay with you even when I do not. If you'd like to get in touch, send me a message on Instagram or leave a comment on one of these posts and I'll get back to you at the best possible time.

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