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Finicky February




As we reach the end of this month and I look back at it, I realise that though I have been growing and healing in more ways than I ever thought I could or would, there is still so much work left to do. But health is like that though, isn’t it? Be it physical or mental, it all exists on a continuum and it is only when risk factors present themselves that we find ourselves tipping the scales. Unfortunately for us however, we can speak about our mental health as nonchalantly as we want, but that in no way means it is as readily accepted as a more visible and physical ailment. But, I do want you to know something right this moment, just because other people cannot see the way you struggle inside, does not mean it isn’t real. The pain you feel, the hurt you carry in your heart, the sadness that weighs you down. It is all as real as you are.

You are under no obligation to heal at anyone else’s pace but your own. It is okay to have difficult days. It is okay to have good days. It is okay if somedays you felt nothing at all. It is okay. You are okay.

This past month, I struggled. And I mean really struggled. I managed to get myself in a dark place that I couldn’t see the way out of, but like I’ve always done, I managed to keep up appearances just about enough to get by. And I hate that I am capable enough of doing this, time and time again. I hate that I know my people enough and have learned how and what to do to avoid drawing attention to myself. But most of all, I hate that at the end of it all, I feel slightly manipulative. As if I have actively lulled them into a false sense of safety when there’s actually a storm rising in our midst.

To my people reading this, I am sorry.

But, we have come full circle now. We are drinking in the last few minutes before the clock strikes midnight and the month of March is upon us. The promise of a new beginning, a fresh start, the opportunity to start all over again.

As we enter into this month, I am promising myself that I will try. Whatever the case may be and wherever I may find myself, I will try. Even on the darkest of days, I will try. And on the days I cannot bring myself to try, I will ask for help until I can see the light again. Like the rose that grows from concrete, I will allow myself to bloom even when I cannot bear the weight of the world.

Even if this post meant nothing to you, I hope you’ll take away this one thing: you are okay, and even if you feel nobody sees you, I do. You are reading this, and you are alive, and you are important to me by virtue of being yourself. I am not great at replying on time or holding a long conversation over time, but I am here for you and I am available here via Instagram.

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Ayesha Khanom

Sometimes a teacher, sometimes a student, but mostly caffeinated. This blog is a terrible attempt at writing out my thoughts - think of it as the 'comments, complaints, and suggestions' section of my brain. Nevertheless, I hope that some of these words will find a place in your heart and will stay with you even when I do not. If you'd like to get in touch, send me a message on Instagram or leave a comment on one of these posts and I'll get back to you at the best possible time.

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