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An Overdue Update

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God, who’d have thought I’d end up here without having updated this blog for months on end? Ok fine, we all knew it BUT I definitely had higher hopes for myself and intended to write more regularly. Whatevs, we don’t cry over spilt milk around here (anymore), so we’re just going to not dwell on this and move forward instead. I won’t make any bold claims that it’s comeback season or anything like that because chances are, I’ll convince myself that I have nothing interesting to say again, but I do hope that I’ll be able to quieten that niggling voice a little and be more open about sharing my stories with you all – trust me, there’s been more than enough Ls to give us all a giggle for at least a lifetime. But, while we’re together now, let me take a moment to share some of my updates since I was last here in February.

If my last post was anything to go by, I was in the height of my self-awareness. I was all too aware of my brokenness, but more importantly, had an insane willingness to not allow myself to keep being cut on my own jagged edges. I was in a place that I never really thought I’d reach, and you know what? It’s a little difficult to admit since the bad days have still very much existed, but it’s only looked up since then. I had come into the year with a newfound determination to do better than I’d ever done before and to live in ways I’d never even thought about because I had things I never did before, a relentless support network, and a safe space where I could both come undone and put myself back together again. Not only did I curate this space and hold on to this network, but my people held space for me on all the days.

On the good, the bad, and the ugly, they held space for me and allowed me to continue coming back to myself. And while I won’t discredit any of my own efforts or resilience as I bounced back stronger each time, I cannot go on without extending my gratitude and appreciation for the people who were consistently present for me and held me up on the days I couldn’t; each and every single one of you carry the light of God within your hearts and I feel it in all of our interactions. But, to my soulmate and my twin-flame who listens to every single intrusive thought and puts up with my verbal diarrhoea for hours on end, I do not know enough words in the English language to string together the perfect sentence to thank you for your existence. You are the part of my heart which exists outside of my body, and I am indebted to God for allowing me to find my way home.

Whew, didn’t see myself going on that tangent today, but here we are. I guess it’s a testament to the power of people who matter and genuinely care. But, I digress.

Over the last few months, my main priority has been to develop consistency. I have always struggled with sticking to new habits because there’s always been that little voice in my head that kept telling me that I was never really good enough to put in the work to bettering myself, but as I learn to mute these voices and really tap into myself (shoutout to Muted Healing for all the work that has gone into that), I have found that as long as I allow something to be a consistent part of my life, the more likely I am to do them even when I’m lacking the motivation. Some of the things I’ve really worked on developing a consistency with is eating regularly, drinking more water, moving my body in ways that bring me joy, maintaining boundaries, and allowing myself to consume everything I can in the world of academia. Sometimes I get into a slump and want to slip back into old habits because they’re comfortable, but those occasions have been far and few between and they’re always the reminder I need that it’s ok to have these moments so long as I don’t slip entirely. I try really hard to not be motivated by things and do them simply because I can and/or want to because the truth is, when the motivation runs dry, what then? It’s only the routine that I set for myself that holds me to account.

Over time, consistency has grown habits, and habits have turned into routine, and this routine is the blueprint for my best possible self. So I guess what I’m saying in all those wordy words is that people are starting to notice that I am different to who I once was, and when they tell me that I’ve changed, I no longer see this as an insult and accept it with grace (even if I still struggle to say thank you when someone is nice to/about me).

In terms of other bitty updates? There are none. I’m still in the same day job and living in my cute little studio flat in London. I’m still obsessively reading romance books (but I dip into non-fiction now too!), and my playlists are still made up of the most unnecessarily heartbreaking songs. I still photograph every moment that means something to me, and I still like to feel pretentious in coffee shops (but I’ve moved away from the hard stuff to chai lattes now). I am still the same, and yet, everything feels like it has changed.

My friends, thank you for joining me on this unnecessarily long ramble. Now that all the updates are out of the way and we’ve had this little moment, we can move on to the real things. So, before I write to you all again, I invite you to take a moment with yourself to think about this question: how is your heart, really?

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Ayesha Khanom

Sometimes a teacher, sometimes a student, but mostly caffeinated. This blog is a terrible attempt at writing out my thoughts - think of it as the 'comments, complaints, and suggestions' section of my brain. Nevertheless, I hope that some of these words will find a place in your heart and will stay with you even when I do not. If you'd like to get in touch, send me a message on Instagram or leave a comment on one of these posts and I'll get back to you at the best possible time.

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